Doors

I closed the door.  I stood in the quiet, the natural light, the tidy room.  A new discovery, I was alone.

In general we’ve always been an open door family.  Potty training was a family affair with everyone cheering everyone on.  My four kids found comfort in being with and/or hearing each other so bedroom doors were rarely closed.  I liked being able to hear them also. Then as we moved into the teenage years, we established rules that kept bedroom doors open if technology was present. Although doors are closed more frequently for privacy, it’s still not a norm around here. 

Since school closed in March 2020, I’m very rarely, if ever, alone.  There is always a kid up late with me or a kid up early.  Every room that I walk into for a minute of solitude I hear “hi mom” from a couch or chair that was hidden from view when I walked in.  If I head out for walk, a child will excitedly offer to come with me.  I appreciate the friendliness, but long for solitude too.

There are many sayings about closed doors suggesting a lack of opportunity or the end of something.  But on this day I discovered that this closed door was the opposite.  

I walked into my room and mindlessly closed the door behind me. When it shut I realized the opportunity this closed door offered.  I sat in the stillness for a minute and marveled at this new discovery.  I could be alone here.  I stood for a minute and took it in:  the bed that I make every morning, the natural light coming in the large windows, the solitude. 

Behind a closed door, I have found my space... and I’ve kept it a secret.